you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
