Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
