Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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