I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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