mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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