Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
