I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
