I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
