I am puke
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
