dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
