I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
