this beer tastes like vomit already
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
