"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
