Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
