I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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