Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
