when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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