How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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