dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
