Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
