She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
