Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
