It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
