I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
