It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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