You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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