i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
