Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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