One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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