is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I need water and some morals
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
