I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
now i know why i became what i already was.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
