No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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