i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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