I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize