I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
