By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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