I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
