remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
