If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My vagina is officially offended.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
