If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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