wanna go halves on a baby?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
