i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
