2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
