I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
