I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
