got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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