I want to make a zoo with you.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize