she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
