We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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