I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
