i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
