i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
