i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
