just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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